bao: (upset)
[personal profile] bao
So now, after a year of staying away from a particular journal because I didn't want to feed the worries of a certain bird, I gave in and checked up on what's been happening after all.

A couple of weeks after we dropped contact, one of her friends died. We weren't there to lend support. Especially her, as for the rest of us the connection is more by association and hearsay than by heartstrings. So her worries are more than overfed, and the best I can do is provide a shoulder to cry on and arms to be held in.

But no words of wisdom. Words have to come from thoughts, and all the thoughts I have right now are just confused and guilty.

This person's friendship with all of us ended because [livejournal.com profile] thebkcam went overboard in a stupid, stupid, stupid argument. One that would have boiled over if she hadn't taken the horrid advice of a girl that didn't really give a whit about what was best or right, advice that was the exact opposite of what it turned out was her actual belief about us. How you do fix that? How do you explain that someone else was being a stupid idiot and that you yourself didn't agree or approve without, yet again, getting branded with the label of "dodging responsibility"? "Oh, it wasn't me, it was someone else"? Isn't that exactly what causes people to believe this is fake? Everyone has to take the consequences that come from someone else's foolish act. To do otherwise is immature and unrealistic.

Yet it means either a certain homogenity in our friendships, as happens with carefully choosing people who can tolerate all of us and be tolerated by everyone in return, or else a lonely separateness, of having to compartmentalize friends into groups of "this person's friends", "that person's friends", and then never interacting within another's token group. There's no middle ground. There's no room for a few being friends with someone that one other person pointedly can't get along with... or even a person whom everyone got along with and only ended up having major fights with one particular person.

Either way, overworshipping "collective responsibility" was the wrong thing to do. I don't care if anything else had gone the same way, I don't care if we probably would have been in a hospital at the time, I would rather go back and apologize for it the very day after, lose several notches of respect in the short term, than not be around when a friend needs real support. And I know she is the same way, as she very nearly did.

Responsibilility can't really be forced through protocol. As it is, I don't feel responsible for the fallout, but for the months of isolation afterwords that did not need to and should not have happened. The end.
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